June 13, 2017
Many people do not understand how a woman can stay with an abusive spouse or boyfriend. As cliche` as it may sound it is definitely hard to leave someone who you may not even recognize as abusive. Strange right? I know, You’re probably thinking how can one not even recognize that someone is abusive if they are in fact being abused? Well, it’s possible because abuse is also more than just physical, it’s mental.
My husband was a sweet man. In front of family and friends he was the perfect guy. But they didn’t see ALL of him. They didn’t see the side of him that I witnessed more often than not.
Have you ever felt like a caged bird? That’s how I felt sometimes in my marriage. I wasn’t able to discuss how I felt, I wasn’t able to live to my fullest potential and I didn’t feel that I was able to talk to Roger. It seemed that he always had an issue with everything I did or didn’t do. Roger would come home with his usual angry demeanor. If I said one wrong thing then it was downhill from there.
I remember the time He and I got into a huge argument. I can’t even remember what the argument was about but I know it was probably something minor. I was in our bedroom closet. While Roger and I were in a heated argument, I must have said something that sent him over the edge. (That’s how abuse is mental) Roger came towards me spit flying out of his mouth, his veins popping out of the side of his neck and head and I afraid but trying not to show it because I knew where this could lead. Trying to calm Roger down but also still angry about our argument I knew whatever It was that I said triggered an angry nerve. He took both of his hands and began choking me. I knew this was it. I was dying and no one would know that I was in an abusive marriage. I really wasn’t sure it was an abusive marriage up until this point. Roger had convinced me that I was the reason for his anger. I was the reason he would hit me every now and then. He convinced me that he really wasn’t abusive. His idea of abuse was someone who came home and beat their spouse everyday. I believed him. I started to believe, maybe he wasn’t abusive. It just happened occasionally. More than once. More than twice. More often than it should and when I finally realized I was being abused I was almost at the end of life.
Back in the closet of my home, he took both of his hands and began choking the life out of me. I just knew he knew I couldn’t breathe and he would stop within seconds. However, that didn’t happen. He continued to choke me. I couldn’t speak, I was losing consciousness and I knew at that moment I was going to die here and no one would ever know what happened. Wavering my arms trying to get Roger’s attention letting him know that I could not breath and I was seconds away from dying. He continued to choke me for what seemed like a whole 60 seconds. I remember hitting the floor and just before losing consciousness he let go. Gasping for air as though I hadn’t felt oxygen down my lungs in eternity. Heavily breathing with tears strolling down my face. “You almost killed me!” I yelled in anger. ” I know,I am sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking” “I blacked out”. He replied.
If domestic violence wasn’t a pure wake up call for me before, it sure was a wake up call now. I could die here. Roger apologized profusely. I pushed him away. I no longer trusted him with my life. I no longer trusted him as a friend. I no longer trusted him as a person. This was the middle of many encounters. Why didn’t I leave? I couldn’t. I had time invested. I believed he would never touch me again. I didn’t want my children growing up in a home without a father. I knew that he was not a bad person. My gut and intuition told me to get out before it was too late.My heart told me to give him another chance. Funny thing is My mind and heart left the relationship before my physical body ever did.
I have a lot of stories to share and how I was able to escape my abuse after two near death experiences and countless abuse.
This is the first time I have decided to share my life with the world. It’s real, it’s raw and it’s hard to somewhat relive these encounters through writing. I know that there are many women who have gone through the same thing I’ve gone through. Please, if you are in a similar situation try to find a safe way out. That person may truly want to change. However, they can’t change with you still being the target.
***The names in this blog have been changed